The sins of the father…
When I was very young, my father stole my innocence, causing me to live in a world of darkness, loneliness and despair. I do not recall a time when I was not sexually abused. My father repeatedly violated me. Others also abused me, including a friend’s uncle. A great step-grandfather would not keep his hands off me as I unknowingly tried to sit on his lap. A neighbor boy lured me into his house, pulled out a knife, blindfolded me and proceeded to molest me on his kitchen counter.
The sins of the father…
When I was very young, my father stole my innocence, causing me to live in a world of darkness, loneliness and despair. I do not recall a time when I was not sexually abused. My father repeatedly violated me. Others also abused me, including a friend’s uncle. A great step-grandfather would not keep his hands off me as I unknowingly tried to sit on his lap. A neighbor boy lured me into his house, pulled out a knife, blindfolded me and proceeded to molest me on his kitchen counter.
Spiritual darkness pervaded my life. Because of my father’s sins against me, I sensed demonic attacks as my dreams swirled with visions of hell and my room harbored demons talking in an unknown language. Feelings of overwhelming darkness constantly gnawed at my soul. I can only imagine how my heavenly Father mourned over my childhood. I know He was there. Anger towards God manifested often as I screamed out in pain, “Why, God?”
To compound the problems, neither of my parents seemed capable of nurturing us (I was fifth of six children, not all of whom lived with us).Besides the sexual abuse from our father, both parents cruelly beat us physically and viciously assaulted us verbally. Angry outbursts ruled. I do not know what caused my father to rage but my mother was victimized by a maniacal controller and lashed out at us in her frustration. She had no means of transportation and could not secure a job outside the home, making her even more dependent on him.
Our family never stayed long enough in one location to establish roots. As soon as we started developing ties with neighbors and friends, we would pick up and leave at Dad’s whim. We moved to various locations from California to Colorado.I suspect he did not want to get caught.
Schooling for me was haphazard as I suffered from a learning disability, worsened by the abuse at home. The best attention I received was when I acted out as the class clown. Equally damaging was the way some of my classmates teased me. Girls even put gum in my hair. School day memories are not heartwarming; they are horrifying.
After 14 years of enduring the atrocities of my childhood, drug use introduced me to a way to numb the relentless pain and shame. To make money for my drug habit, I dabbled in the pornography industry. By the time I had turned 17, I entered the world of homelessness and started to sell my body. During those years, I lived in my car, in roach infested hotels or in parks. IV needles helped me shoot up meth, heroin or cocaine.I was on a whole-hearted mission to hurt or kill myself through damaging choices. With this lifestyle, I was beaten, raped and violated. Men committed unspeakable acts which no teenager should ever endure.
During those particularly black years, demonic activity increased. Proudly, I bragged about the demonic presences in my world. In this lost state, I felt a sense of comfort that these demons took the time to participate in my world. I felt dirty, an off scouring of humanity. No room for God remained in my life as I believed I was so horrible that the worst of the worst were the only companions available for me. There appeared no way out. By the grace of God I was not murdered or kidnapped; nor did I succumb to a drug overdose.
Renewed life
One day, my mother turned her life over to Christ. Incredibly, she was able to introduce Jesus to all of us. I am so grateful to her for taking me to a small, Christian, safe home for girls who were either coming off drugs or experiencing other traumas. That day is as vivid to me today as the day it occurred. To come off the streets and walk into that home was one of the most amazing moments of my life. As I entered the door, I could see light for the first time in my life. I could actually feel the presence of the Lord and see His glory on each face. My former life became just that – the past. II Corinthians 5:17 describes my new life: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Furthermore, a favorite verse reveals what happened to me when I accepted Jesus and how life is being lived out today: Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
My story reflects so many
The over 90,000 cases of child, sexual abuse reported each year fall far short of the actual number. Abuse frequently goes unreported because child victims are afraid to tell anyone what happened. The reason I’m telling my story is to raise awareness of abuse and to give an example of why young girls end up falling into prostitution, drugs, self-mutilation, homelessness, the sex industry or sex trafficking. The sad truth is most of these girls have been abused as children. The destructive seeds continue to victimize them throughout their lives as they live with poor self-image, self-hate, worthlessness, mental illness, guilt and shame.
Intervening years
Besides laughter, God granted me other useful tools, including gainful employment along with several areas of interest. In my brokenness, He entered in to gift me with abilities I could not have foreseen as I was emerging from the dregs of my past. For 20 years, I worked at a nail salon. Many of the women who came for my services became mentors and substitute moms to me as they shared words of life and encouragement. I have also worked as a photographer, capturing life scenes for myself and others. Creativity further emerged and developed as I learned to play the guitar, sing songs and lead worship.
Four years ago, God gave me a husband for the first time. Between us, we have eight children. Our home is also a place of ministry. We have sheltered three different, homeless families in this newlywed season. One woman, who came to us, had worked as a stripper for 20 years. What a thrill we experienced when she, too, accepted our Lord and began her new journey.
As with any life, my life is far from perfect. However, in comparison to the years of pain, this one is heaven. I am incredibly blessed and unbelievably happy.
Ministering to the broken through House of Engedi
Since becoming a Christian, my passion is to help others experience a new life in Christ Jesus. Recently, a vision for a safe house for “over 18-year-old victims” has taken ahold of me. I see this home, House of Engedi, as a place of worship, mentorship and discipleship. If a girl wishes to have nothing to do with the activities, she will not be forced into them but, I truly believe, she will want to. House of Engedi, alluding to the largest oasis in west Israel and a place of refuge for David when he was running from King Saul, will be a refuge for those young women who have been battered and scarred by life.
This fall, I will participate in training classes at the Christian-based, Mending the Souls seminar in Portland. We will learn how to address the needs and comfort the souls of those who have been sexually traumatized through molestation, abuse and human trafficking.
While God is drawing some amazing people who are interested in this ministry, we have several needs at the onset:
• Leadership in the Corvallis area to form a board of directors
• A business attorney to help us set up our 501(c)3 status, hopefully, pro-bono
• An appropriate house to rent for our clients
• With our eventual tax-free status, funding to continue the ongoing tasks
Kindly contact me via email at [email protected], if any of these areas are ones you may be able to help address. House of Engedi can also be accessed on Facebook for more information about this ministry. Included on Facebook is a video interview from a local news station.
